The Briefcase Speaks – WrestleMania is here!
By Chirag Upadhyay
Brock Lesnar has re-signed for WWE. Reports suggest Heyman and Lesnar are delighted with the new deal
However, unlike the FDR New Deal to help America escape the great depression of the 1920s after the Wall Street crash, this will send the WWE into a crash…
Lesnar said he would be getting paid more than ever before and working less than ever before. It appears using the threat of leaving to UFC is the new WCW. So in this reality era professional wrestlers actually have to take real punches to the face in the UFC, building a brand and following, before returning to WWE as a bigger marquee name to get paid. CM Punk went down that road because he like many others have realised starring in the Marine series franchise won’t get you on the road to Hollywood.
So what does this megabucks deal mean for the WWE?
Speculation is rife in how accountants will slash future costs and a whistleblower spoke to the Briefcase. The main takeaways were:
The WWE network price could go up to $14.99/month
• Jimmy And Jey Uso will no longer have pyrotechnics for their entrance
• John Cena is learning to juggle and sing and will be available for birthdays, wedding and bar mitzvahs
• J&J security will be J security
• Anyone throwing monitors of the announce table without due care will be charged retrospectively for damage
• Concessions Kane will be back and working full time
• Superstars will have to share twin suites in hotels
• Superstars will be encouraged to run to work
• The RAW cafeteria is to be closed
• Ryback will work night shifts as a picker at the Amazon warehouse
• Dean Ambrose/Wade Barratt/Dolph Ziggler will become immediately available for WWE’s new ‘Lonely Hearts Escort Service.’
In this new Lesnar megadeal world life just got a lot harder for the B+ players.